Levitas

[Nonc Hilaire]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/biolog ... dei,35755/

BERKELEY, CA—Challenging long-held views on the origins of divinity, biologists at the University of California, Berkeley, presented findings Thursday that confirm God, the Almighty Creator of the Universe, evolved from an ancient chimpanzee deity.

The recently discovered sacred ancestor, a divine chimp species scientists have named Pan sanctorum, reportedly gave rise over millions of years to the Lord Our God, Maker of Heaven and Earth.

“Although perhaps not obvious at first glance, there are actually overwhelming similarities between the Supreme Being of today and this early primate deity who preceded Him,” said Dr. Richard Kamen, a leading biologist who also heads Berkeley’s paleotheology department. “The holy chimp moved around on all fours, but its descendants eventually began walking upright to expend less energy while foraging across the infinite reaches of the universe. This of course led to the bipedalism of modern-day God.”

“In fact, you can see a distinct likeness to God in the chimpanzee deity’s skeletal structures, not to mention its prototypical expressions of vengeance and wrath,” Kamen continued. “The great-ape god was, however, considerably smaller in stature, having not yet developed the capacity to occupy all space and time simultaneously.”

According to experts, divine life began as a single-celled all-powerful organism roughly 3.6 billion years ago, eventually evolving into a multicelled, sponge-like deity that bobbed and floated across the chaos of the early universe. Kamen explained that over hundreds of millions of years, the godlike life form became more complex, with limbs that allowed for locomotion across the endless expanse of the heavens, and sophisticated photoreceptor cells capable of seeing all things.

Based on newly obtained evidence, the Pan sanctorum is thought to have first experimented with creation ex nihilo around 7 million years ago. Kamen noted that the chimpanzee deity made several early attempts to produce rudimentary solar systems, but on each occasion was spooked upon inadvertently creating fire, which is said to have caused it to screech loudly, angrily swat away the newly formed sun, and then scamper across the universe to hide from the flaming sphere.

“Natural selection played a huge role in the evolution of divinity, and in this regard, the adaptive value of Pan sanctorum’s immortality proved critical to its survival,” said Kamen, adding that with its opposable thumbs, the divine ancestor was eventually able to fashion primitive tools for creating crude oceans and basic mountain ranges. “Today’s Lord Almighty actually still has a small bony protuberance in the small of His back, the vestigial remains of a tail we believe was used by an even older, monkey-like god to facilitate climbing, allowing it to escape into the heavens when faced with danger.”

“That potential for threats made it an evolutionary imperative for the primate god to develop omnipotence,” Kamen continued. “As well as sharp claws and pointed incisors.”

Though its smaller brain limited its cognitive abilities, the chimpanzee deity is believed to have possessed not only self-awareness, but also spatial intelligence, object permanence, and a rudimentary capacity for knowing all that is, all that has been, and all that ever will be.

However, it was only relatively recently that the heavenly species developed the intellectual capacity for higher reasoning, critical thinking, and infinite wisdom, according to Kamen. For Pan sanctorum, he noted, the passage of divine judgment was “purely a matter of primal instinct.”

“While complex speech would not emerge until the evolution of the Cro-Magnon god from Pan Sanctorum, the chimpanzee deity was capable of using grunts and hand gestures to convey basic emotions such as happiness, anger, or the forgiveness of sin,” Kamen said. “However, it appears that the chimp deity often exhibited extremely aggressive behavior, in some cases unleashing its divine wrath with little if any provocation toward the mortal chimps it created in its own image.”

He added, “It is our understanding that these creatures lived in a kind of jungle-like forerunner to the Garden of Eden, until a day came when their enraged creator cast them out, flinging feces at them as they fled.”

[Nonc Hilaire]

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[Nonc Hilaire]

[Typhoon]

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[Typhoon]

[Heracleum Persicum]

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Pot vending machine in Colorado — the latest in drug convenience

[Nonc Hilaire]

Tea Party candidate ad.
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[Miss_Faucie_Fishtits]

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[Parodite]

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[Typhoon]

[Nonc Hilaire]

[Miss_Faucie_Fishtits]

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[Parodite]

[Doc]

Man prints sex toy on 3D printer that looks like Putin

He is marketing it under the name Putin

The ingenious part is that the name is the instructions.

[Heracleum Persicum]

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[Heracleum Persicum]

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Tumbling prices will transform many longstanding social customs.
An engagement diamond, for instance, will lose its power as a token of commitment once flawless two-carat stones can be had for only $25

Replication technologies also raise philosophical questions about where value resides. How heavily, for example, should museums invest in ownership of famous works? (As noted in my last column, this question looms large in Detroit’s current bankruptcy proceedings.) Perfect replicas would enable local museumgoers to see the Mona Lisa without having to cross the Atlantic. But would the experience of seeing the painting — a perfect copy or even the original somewhere other than the Louvre — be rendered less special?

Perfect replicas would enable even the poorest fans to own autographed baseballs. Original or a copy? No one would know the difference, not even an expert. But would a 10-year-old be just as delighted to receive one for his birthday as I once would have been ?

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[Heracleum Persicum]

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Woman With Engineered Vagina Says She Has 'Normal Life'

To engineer the organs, researchers from Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, N.C., and the Metropolitan Autonomous University in Mexico City biopsied cells from the women and were able to use a biodegradable scaffolds to then build the vagina in the lab. The organs were then implanted in each patient.

“For me to be able to have the surgery, I feel very fortunate because I can have a normal life,” said the woman. “I know I’m one of the first. It is important to let other girls that have the same problem know that ... there is a treatment and you can have a normal life."

[Nonc Hilaire]

[Nonc Hilaire]

[Hoosiernorm]

http://www.duffelblog.com/2014/04/navy- ... ind-jesus/

[Heracleum Persicum]

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[Heracleum Persicum]

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[Heracleum Persicum]

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[Typhoon]

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